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Newsgroups: alt.fan.lemurs,alt.answers,news.answers Path: senator-bedfellow.mit.edu!enterpoop.mit.edu!gatech!howland.reston.ans.net!wupost!uunet!vtserf.cc.vt.edu!polaris.async.vt.edu!jfurr From: jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu (Joel Furr) Subject: alt.fan.lemurs: Frinkquently Asked Questions (Part 2 of 6, Lemur Humor Part Two) Message-ID: <C7yJo3.Gu4@polaris.async.vt.edu> Followup-To: alt.fan.lemurs Summary: This posting contains a list of Frequently Asked Questions (and the best answers we got) about Lemurs. It should be read by anyone who wishes to post to the alt.fan.lemurs newsgroup. Sender: jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu (Joel Furr) Organization: Lemurcave Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 19:33:38 GMT Approved: news-answers-request@MIT.edu Lines: 622 Xref: senator-bedfellow.mit.edu alt.fan.lemurs:1671 alt.answers:371 news.answers:8972 Archive-name: lemur-faq/part2 Alt-fan-lemurs-archive-name: lemur-faq/part2 Last-modified: 1993/04/5 Version: 2.0 Official USENET Alt.Fan.Lemurs Frinkquently Asked Questions Part 2 of 6 -- Lemur Humor Part Two ------------------------------ The Questions (1) Would it be a good idea to give a Lemur a toolbox for his or her birthday? Are Lemurs vocationally skilled? (2) What are Lemurs' tails used for? (3) Are Robert O'Brien's local Lemurs up to something? (4) Why do Lemurs spend so much time trying to get their mitts on credit cards? (5) What's this I hear about a 900 number for Lemurs? (6) Can thinking about Lemurs have positive benefits? (7) What does Will Cuppy have to say about lemurs? (8) What does the USENET Oracle have to say about lemurs? (9) Did Old McDonald have lemurs on his farm? (10) How can you tell if you have a lemur problem? (11) Why did Chris Thompson get committed to a mental hospital? (12) Well, we know Joel Furr's bats. What about this "Other Joel"? ------------------------------ The Answers (1) Would it be a good idea to give a Lemur a toolbox for his or her birthday? Are Lemurs vocationally skilled? No. As Ryan Franklin notes: I do know that it's a bad idea to give a Lemur a toolbox for his or her birthday. Oh yeah, they're really grateful and they thank you profusely for days (mainly by not soiling the carpet), but then one morning you'll wake up and find that same oh-so-grateful Lemur making "just a few improvements" on your car's engine, with about a dozen grease-stained parts of your transmission lying out on the driveway. Wonderful species, nice opposable thumbs, but absolutely NO mechanical aptitude whatso- ever. Definitely not the auto repairmen of the pri- mate world. Alt.fan.lemurs has heard differing opinions on this question, though. One guy said his car got 100 miles to the gallon after this happened to him and he never missed the leftover parts, but for some reason the radio would only play Radio Antananarivo. Another guy, cursing loudly, said that the car smelled of caramel- ized sugar for weeks after the Lemurs had their way with it. Finally he took it to a garage and found that the Lemurs had left some half-eaten Twinkies inside the trans-mission case (said Twinkies now being extremely inedible, as opposed to slightly inedible). On the other hand, well over 80% of the Lemur population can get a job as a locksmith or as a window washer, according to a recent article in Barron's. This brings them up to #3 on the "Most in Demand" list for the major primate families. Unfortunately, few Lemurs appear to want those jobs, perhaps because they can get all the food they need from nearby vending machines and/or used record stores. Locksmithing would appeal to Lemurs if they stopped to _think_ about it since a locksmith-trained Lemur would be hell on wheels in the vending machine world. Who'd need being able to wriggle into the machine if you could just pop it open and swipe _every- thing_ in one swell foop? Window washing, on the other hand, does not appeal to the Lemurs of our acquaintance. Neither Rudolpho nor Nigel expressed any interest in washing windows. They see windows as necessary evils, shutting out the natural breezes but keeping in the warmth here in countries that aren't warm year-round. ----------- (2) What are Lemurs' tails used for? An excellent question. Ryan Franklin asked: Incidentally, can anyone tell me if a Lemur's tail is partially prehensile? Able to hook on to a branch or ceiling lamp and help stabilize them while they climb and swing and cavort joyfully in the air? I know they have to keep them up in the air while leeming (or else trip themselves), but I was wondering if there was some sort of purpose to their tail other than looking nice. Joel Furr responded: As far as I can tell from this book I checked out called "Lemurs And You," Lemur tails are not prehensile. Instead they use their little paws to cling to things that need clinging to... ceiling lamps, Cindy Crawford, Twinkies, etc... Ryan responded: Hm. Then, apart from looking really nice, what purpose do their tails serve? They seem to be rather inconvenient whilst leeming, as I mentioned before, and even something as simple as being able to use it as a way of stabilizing themselves when climbing or clinging would go a long way towards explaining this prosimian puzzle. David A. Boulton provided the answer: I don't know about Joey, Rudolpho, and other urban, twinkie-addicted Lemurs, but in the wild Lemur tails have at least two purposes that I am aware of. As you guessed, one use is for keeping their balance, sort of like a high-wire walker using a pole. Lemurs (even with those nice opposable thumbs) aren't very good at construct- ing balance poles, so they use their tails to swish around, maintain balance, and prevent their crashing to the ground. Most Lemurs greatly appreciate not crashing to the ground, (not to mention its Darwinian survival value) and over time they evolved large, bushy tails with extra good swishing capability. The other reason to have a very long tail is for inter-Lemur communications while leeming across the ground. Lemurs generally live in social groups. They watch out for one another, and have an advantage against predators if the group stays together. Some act as look-outs while others feed, and so on. When feeding on the ground, especially while moving through tall grass, it's easy to get lost from the group. A long tail acts as a sort of flagpole. You stick your tail in the air, and silently say "Yo! I'm a Lemur, I'm over here, stay with me, and everything will be cool". The absence of Lemur tails in your general vicinity would tell you that you had better leem your butt back to the rest of the troop. This is why ringtails have rings on their tails. It makes them more visible. There is also a theory that the black and white coloration works on the same principle as zebra stripes. Dazzle whatever is chasing you with a sea of bounc- ing/leeming Lemur tails, and maybe he'll miss -- or at least maybe he will miss *you*. Also, and most important of all, Lemur tails look *really* nice. ----------- (3) Are Robert O'Brien's local Lemurs up to something? Robert O'Brien states: I'm really not very good at interpreting what little commu- nication they (the ones that hang out on my patio some nights while I'm logged in) deign to give me, but the way I understand it, the Lemurs are really the natives, *we* are the aliens (rejects, left here by the dominant species on our home-world who were tired of all the *whining*) and the Lemurs have been trying all this time to reactivate the cows' ship and program it to send *us* back, or just about anywhere. But the cover story will be at least as good as the Douglas Adams "B Ark" story, so most of us will be very happy to go... Hmm, I thought they were gone, and it'd be safe to type this, but they're back now, and clearly doing what passes for a Lemur laugh, so I guess I've been taken in again... one born every minute ... You be the judge. ----------- (4) Why do Lemurs spend so much time trying to get their mitts on credit cards? Never give a Lemur a credit card. A checkbook is bad enough, to be honest, but they go seriously wild with credit cards. Not only do baby Lemurs covet them (they open cages like magic if you know how to use them), but they allow you to buy brand-new Burl Ives records in quantity off of late-night TV commercials. ----------- (5) What's this I hear about a 900 number for Lemurs? An ad posted by Daniel Pawtowski reads, "To listen to the exciting call of the wild Lemur, simply call 1-900-465-3687 (that's 1-900-GO-Lemur) for only $4.95 for the first minute, 15.95 each additional minute. Major credit cards accepted. Adults only, no chimpanzees, please." Alt.fan.lemurs does not vouch for the veracity of this ad. ----------- (6) Can thinking about Lemurs have positive benefits? A quote from Douglas Adams' work _So Long and Thanks For All The Fish_ gives us some hints: [Arthur Dent] tried not to think about the ground, what an extraordinarily big thing it was and how much it would hurt him if it decided to stop hanging there and suddenly fell on him. He tried to think nice thoughts about Lemurs instead, which was exactly the right thing to do because he couldn't at that moment remember precisely what a Lemur was, if it was one of those things that sweep in great majestic herds across the plains of wherever it was or if that was wilde- beests, so it was a tricky kind of thing to think nice thoughts about without simply resorting to an icky sort of general well-disposedness toward things, and all this kept his mind well occupied while his body tried to adjust to the fact that it wasn't touching anything. ----------- (7) What does Will Cuppy have to say about lemurs? Will Cuppy was a famous (now dead) American humorist. This is what he had to say about lemurs: "The Lemur is one worse than the Monkey. He is often mistaken for a squirrel, a rabbit, an Agouti, or anything but a Lemur. He has been described as a state of mind or ectoplasm. The Lemur is a primate because people say so. The Lemur sleeps all day and nobody tells him that he is a tramp. When disturbed he sort of squeaks. Most Lemurs live in Madagascar, but they are never quite warm enough. ... Lemurs comb their hair with their lower front teeth. They mature almost instantaneously. In a way we came from lemurs because they are also descended from an extinct Tree Shrew something like a large Rat. From the Tree Shrew to the Dogfish is but a step, which practically brings us to the amoeba. So perhaps the lemur is to blame for it all." ----------- (8) What does the USENET Oracle have to say about lemurs? The USENET Oracle, an omnipotent being located at oracle@cs.indiana.edu, has answered a few questions on the subject of lemurs. Here are some of the more interesting questions and replies: Question #1: > Oh most powerful and omniscient Oracle, please tell me: > > Do lemurs bang on your bedroom windows at night? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle considers your question in all possible contexts, languages } interpretations and reaches this conclusion: } } 'Not if your bedroom is off the ground floor of a building and there } are no trees around' } } You owe the Oracle some cut price lemur proof double glazing. Question #2: > Oh most powerful and omniscient Oracle, please tell me, > > Do you ever have trouble with lemurs swinging on your kitchen lights or > staying up all night to watch movies on your VCR? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, they certainly DO this, but I don't perceive it as a problem. } However, since you do, it is time we took a good look at this bigotry } you harbor towards lemurs. When did this start? Were you once bested } by a lemur when trying out for team sports? Did a lemur get the edge } in that job interview because of Affirmative Action? Are you feeling } disaffected, like the entire country has forgotten about YOU and YOUR } rights? Did you sister threaten to marry a lemur? Are you xenophobic } because they come from Madagascar? } } Tsk, tsk, tsk. You seem to lack understanding and tolerance. I } recommend that you enter a program so that you can get help. You harbor } resentment and hatred for things you don't understand. The next thing } you know you'll be committing hate crimes against innocent lemurs who } have never done a thing to harm you. Get help quickly, before it is } too late. } } You owe the Oracle a case of bananas. Question #3: > Oh mighty and omniscient Oracle, please tell me: > > Do you let lemurs use your credit cards? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure, but only to scrape the ice off of their windshields. } } You owe the Oracle 15.28%, compounded quarterly. Question #4: > Oh mighty and omnipotent Oracle, please tell me: > > What should I do if I'm out driving and I come to a roadblock where lemurs > are shaking people down for money and Chex Mix? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Frightened commuter, the solution to your question depends on whether the } lemurs at the roadblock are Microcebus, ruffed lemurs or ringtails. The } Microcebus, being very, very small, are merely bluffing. Simply drive } through the roadblock, ignore their squeaks of indignation, and keep } going. The ruffed lemurs, who are extremely vain, will let you go } through without a shakedown if you simply hand them some extravagant } compliments on their thick, glossy, fur. However, the ringtails are the } terrorists of the lemur world. If the roadblock is run by ringtails I } strongly suggest you hand over the money and cereal, your first-born } child, any pornographic National Geographics you happen to have in the } car, and whatever else you can think of. There are reputable reports of } motorists on the I-5 being robbed, dismembered, and eaten by ringtails. } } You owe the Oracle a year's membership to the Cincinnati zoo. Question #5: > Oh mighty and omniscient Oracle, please tell me, > > How much wood could a Lemur chuck if a Lemur could chuck wood? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That depends on how much you're willing to pay them. If you pay } peanuts, you get monkeys. It's as simple as that. } } You owe the Oracle a half cord of firewood, neatly chucked. Question #6: > Help, O savior of prosimians! > > I accidentally let a lemur log onto my computer account. Now, every > time I type a command, the only response I get is "frink". Except > when I try to crash the machine, in which case I get "core frinked". > What do I do? > > (I'm writing to you on a friend's account.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The party of medical students grew excited as they followed Doctor } Hartmann down the final sterilised, white-walled corridor that led } to the high security wing of Indiana State Mental Asylum. "This is } gonna be the chance of a lifetime!" said Julia Kovic, psychiatry } student prodigy and part-time model. "You bet!" said her friend } David, "The most bizarre case of paranoid delusion and psychotic } insanity in medical history, enough to write volumes on, and we're } about to see it!" Doctor Hartmann tapped in the security code } and the steel doors hummed open. "I must caution you now, be very } careful how you speak to this man. If you wish to ask him a } question, make sure it's very inoffensive. If provoked he is } likely to enter a fit of rage which, believe me, you won't have } seen the like of before." The group walked in uninterested fashion } past the cells of Gruesome Gripper Graham, strangler of over one } hundred young virgins, and Marcus MacCallum, who ate his bank } manager's brain infront of a whole queue of account holders (some } of whom wanted to thank him afterwards). } "Here we are" said Dr Hartmann. "Patient Bob, as we call him. } We never managed to get his real name out of him." } "He was admitted in 1993, wan't he?" asked Julia. } "That's right. After going on a killing rampage through several } zoos and national parks all over America. It took the FBI weeks } to track him down, and he somehow managed to wipe out half the } lemur and woodchuck population of America. He also incinerated a } large number of police officers with his bizarre home made gun } before he was finally caught." The group peered in awe through } the wide toughened glass window of the cell. A figure was sitting } with his back to them, both arms tied behind him in a restraint } jacket. } "How are you, Bob ?" said Dr Hartmann. The figure snapped his head } around to reveal sharp, crazed eyes and a handsome face contorted } into a furious expression. "Shut thy mouth, O worm. I am called } the Oracle, THE USENET ORACLE, damn it!" "I'm sorry, Bob, but } there is no such person in the birth records." said the Doctor. } "That" said the Oracle "is because I was born when the genes of } your ancestors were still floating around in primordial SOUP!!". } Dr Hartmann turned back to his students. "It's OK, we've caught } him in a pretty good mood. Who wants to ask him a question ?" } Julia raised her hand first. "What makes you hate woodchucks and } lemurs, Oracle ?" The Oracle's eyes flared. He boomed : "They are } the servants of Satan, malicious imps placed here by the Dark One } to destroy the work of the Oracle." } "Why do you think Satan is victimising you ?" quizzed Julia. } "Because God gave Me the cushy job, while Satan has to spend } eternity in a sulphurous pit listening to politicians screaming in } torment and begging for another chance." } "But woodchucks and lemurs are harmless, friendly little creatures!" } The Oracle smiled grimly. "My child, do not meddle in the affairs } of the Omniscient and Omnipotent, for you would make a fine kebab } and wash down well with a Diet Coke." } Julia would not give up with her rational probing. } "If you are omnipotent, how come you don't just break out of here?" } "Break out ?! I came here DELIBERATELY!!! This place is a HOLIDAY } compared to the questions I was starting to get from alt.fan.lemurs } and the Cult of Woodchuck." } Julia smiled. She was beginning to *like* the Oracle in a strange } sort of way, although she still thought he was insane. } One of the students behind her was whispering to a colleague. } "How much would you think it costs to run this place ?" } "What ?" asked the other, who was hard of hearing. } "I SAID HOW MUCH WOULD -" } At that moment Julia saw the Oracle's worse side. Only for a } split second, that is, before the she and the whole Asylum were } obliterated and sent flying in small chunks over a thirty mile } radius. The Oracle's blissful holiday was over; he emerged from } the ruins of the Asylum and trudged off in the direction of } Indiana University. --------------- (9) Did Old McDonald have lemurs on his farm? Apparently so. >News Flash! > >FARMERSVILLE, Nebraska: Wilga Hansworth never imagined the treasure >hidden in the attic of her farm house in rural Nebraska. After moving >an old chest of drawers, she discovered a set of yellowed and handwritten >sheets of music. Upon examination, the music was found to be the >original and complete source of the song "Old MacDonald". More >significant was the existence of a new verse, long forgotten and possibly >never published: > > Old MacDonald had a farm, ee-aye-ee-aye-o, > and on that farm he had a lemur, ee-aye-ee-aye-o, > with a cheep-cheep here and a frink frink there, > here a cheep, there a frink, everywhere a cheep, frink, > Old MacDonald had a farm, ee-aye-ee-aye-o. > >She is quoted as saying, "I'll be danged if I know what a lemur is." This news clipping comes to us from Jim Kuiper (jim@zog.eid.anl.gov). --------------- (10) How can you tell if you have a lemur problem? This answer comes to us from Ben Ostrowsky (sylvar@maple.circa.ufl.edu): >TOP TEN WAYS OF TELLING YOU HAVE A LEMUR PROBLEM >================================================ > >10. Anonymous notes scrawled on napkins, in crayon, and left on the > kitchen table, demand two-liter bottles of Big K grape soda. >9. You wake up every morning only to find your National Geographic > collection scattered all over the floor. >8. Hanging light fixtures begin malfunctioning more often than usual. > Small cracks may appear in the ceiling. >7. All the Twinkies coupons have been torn out of the newspaper and > attached to the refrigerator with magnets. >6. Crude maps of Madagascar are drawn on the bathroom mirror with > deodorant. >5. You wake up in the middle of the night, feeling something hairy > brush across your lips -- and you're single. >4. Lemur-B-Gon billboards in your city or town are often defaced. >3. A fine powder on the floor turns out to be Kool-Aid mix. (Note: > if it's Purplesaurus Rex, don't assume that lemurs are causing > this problem -- it COULD be other small prosimians. Purplesaurus > Rex is a very popular flavor among prosimians.) >2. A resurgence of early 1980's music on your local radio stations. > >And the number one way of telling you have a lemur problem... > >1. Neighbors complain that you yell "frink!" during sex and ask you > to please be more quiet in the future. --------------- (11) Why did Chris Thompson get committed to a mental hospital? Quoth Chris Thompson (ak051@yfn.ysu.edu): >I was at the zoo one day, standing looking at the lemur cage. The >lemurs were going wild jumping around and frinking loudly. I >noticed one of the lemurs (He looked to be a lemur leader) had >Mr. Underhill's American express card and was trying to jimmy the >lock to the cage. I was unsure of their problem. It was then that >I noticed they were being fed big bowls of dry crusty Lemur Chow, >and this little kid was standing next to me EATING A TWINKIE!!! > >I immediately slapped the twinke to the ground, picked it up and >tossed it into the cage. I turned to the kid and yelled "MY GOD >MAN! WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING!?! ONE OF THEM HAS A >CREDIT CARD!!" then, to the lemurs "I'll BE RIGHT BACK WITH SOME >BIG-K!!" > >After the cops released me from psychiatric lockup, I did go back >and slide a couple of two liters of Big K Grape and a case of >twinkies under the cage. > >The Lemur Leader saw me and came over. I looked at him and said >"Frink." Somehow I got the intonation right because he looked at >me and nodded sagely and said "Ptang." (12) Well, we know Joel Furr's bats. What about this "Other Joel"? Yes, there's an "Other Joel" who posts to alt.fan.lemurs. Joel Kent Baxter, jbaxter@leland.Stanford.EDU, to be precise. A lengthy sample of his comments in alt.fan.lemurs follows: >I'm originally from Oklahoma, where lemurs are scarce (actually, >I have suspicions that I've seen the supposedly extinct >Megaladapis lemur working the counter at more than one Texaco >Star-Mart, but I digress); thus my ignorance of the habits of >these creatures. The following situation may seem trivial, but >it has begun to prey on my mind, so I would appreciate it if you >would give it some thought. > >Since I moved here to California, I've begun to be plagued by >inexplicable phenomena. I regularly come back to my room after >class to find the door ajar and the television on, tuned to a >National Geographic special. Often the refrigerator door is open >as well; I think that my stock of Coca-Cola is slowly >diminishing, but, oddly, the V-8 seems to be untouched. This has >been going on for about a month, which is disturbing enough in >itself, but recently, the strangeness has begun to escalate. >About a week ago, I began to notice that my Macintosh was also >turned on, when I was sure that I had shut it off before leaving. >Some of my arcade games now have new high scores that I can't >account for, signed only with the letters "CHP". Two days ago, >to top it all off, I got some angry email claiming that I had >made lewd postings to alt.ptang. > >Naturally, I had an angry confrontation with my roommates, who >deny everything. One of them said that it was probably "the >lemurs" that did it, as if that explanation cleared everything >up. I'm wondering if I should give some credence to this theory, >or if I need to immediately start looking for new roommates. > >Besides the obvious worry that at least one of my roommates is >playing sociopathic mind games with me, I'm beginning to be >severely frustrated by the occurrences themselves. If I find out >that all my stamps and envelopes have been thoroughly pre-licked >^one^ ^more^ ^time^, I think I'll scream. So, what do you think? >Are lemurs that prevalent on Stanford's campus (we do have a lot >of vending machines), or in California in general? Could they be >responsible for the things I've been discovering? Could a lemur >crack my account and post to the usenet under my name? And, what >might be most incriminating, can a lemur, as Apple claims, >actually learn how to use the Macintosh GUI? Another post, somewhat later: >Well, to summarize all of my previous lengthy postings: yes, it >would be safe to say that there are indeed lemurs at Stanford. >Palo Alto in general, now, I don't know. The only reason the >administration at Stanford turns a blind eye to our lemur >infestation is so that they can keep making all those >"multiculturalism" claims with a clear conscience. And besides, >how much federal money do you think they'd get if it came out >that they were discriminating against prosimians? The folks of >Palo Alto have no such incentive, and most of them would probably >take a dim view of lemurs wreaking havoc in their overpriced >homes. While this wouldn't precisely deter the lemurs, I assume >that the Palo Altonians can afford the services of Lemur-B-Gon >(tm). > >The lemurs working the StarMarts probably get minimum wage. >After all, they're there for the junk food, not the money. So, >if you actually <want> a lemur presence in your abode, I don't >think that it would be necessary to shell out any cash. Jugs of >Big K Grape Soda on the doorstep will do nicely. Or, you might >try provoking their lovable primate curiosity, by posting large >signs on your door reading "ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY NO MADAGAS- >CARIAN PROSIMIANS ALLOWED", or "Note to Twinkie Deliveryperson: >Leave the fourteen Twinkie Econo-Paks (tm) that I ordered in the >kitchen. Thank you.". > > >ObLemur: Has anyone spotted any surviving specimens of the >supposedly extinct Archaeoindris? If the Megaladapis is still >around, as seems to be the consensus, then perhaps this one is >too. You must admit that a 400-pound lemur would be well-adapted >for just about any environment it darn well wanted to be in. > >Q: How many Twinkies should you give a 400-pound lemur? >A: As many as it wants. > >ObLemurAgain: At the other end of the spectrum, I believe that >we should pay more attention to the Rufous Mouse Lemur. Besides >the fact that it's irresistably cute, it seems to me that it has >potential for mischief that its larger brethren may lack. One >Rufous Mouse Lemur could fit quite nicely through a mail slot, >allowing it to then open the door for the dozen Ringtailed >Lemurs, slightly boffoed after one too many Big K's, that had the >sudden urge to set up a Slip-`n-Slide (tm) in your master bedroom >and take turns riding the carousel of your CD changer. While a >baby lemur could serve this purpose as well, they tend to be more >easily distracted. A full-grown Rufous Mouse Lemur is quite a >bit brighter, and, (so I've heard) will do just about anything >for a half-ounce hit of Big K. ----------- The FAQ continues into Part 3, "Part 3 of 6 -- Lemur Poetry". ------------------------------------------------------------------ Prepared January 31, 1993 by Joel Furr, jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu Revised February 15, 1993 by Joel Furr, jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu Revised April 5, 1993 by Joel Furr, jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu 
